Win by Owning Your Losses
I love walking into a room where people hate who I'm representing. It's a superpower - the room often expects by default that the conversation will be a fight. What they don't expect is that I'm not there to tell them they're wrong.
So how have I gotten organizations to work with me, even when they despise the vendor I worked for?
Empathy and listening.
For example - one of the biggest deals I had ever worked on, my first meeting was with my customer's CIO and her team members from up and down the organization. It was a firing squad - they lit me up on our product features, how shitty our support was, how bad their old account team was, and how some recent downtime had cost them some serious money. Looking around the room, no smiles - only furrowed brows and people leaning forward at the edge of their seat like they were gonna tackle me depending on what I said next.
Instead, I said "My god, it sounds like we fucked up pretty bad." I got nods. And that's how I knew we were on the right track.
I didn't get a contract signed that day or even that quarter. But I did get it eventually - with an eight-figure Total Contract Value - because I started by focusing on the trust and commitment that earned us the right to ask for their business.
Instead of defaulting to defensiveness and objection handling, here are 6 tips for staying cool in heated conversations:
Breathe - When we feel we're being attacked, it'll set off our fight-or-flight response. This is normal. Your brain picks up on the trigger and your amygdala (what handles your fight or flight response) floods your body with cortisol and adrenaline - you might even feel your heart pick up a beat. Deep breathing exercises are proven to reduce our stress response; take 1-4 deep breaths. I use box breathing with a 4-4-4 (4 in, 4 hold, 4 out) because it's easy to do in any room, no matter the context.
Digest - Before responding, consider what your conversation partner just said.
Reflect - Tell your conversation partner what you just heard. Using methods like labeling, bring the body into it instead of leading with "I..." or "you..." - instead, use "It sounds/feels/seems like..."
Keep Listening - if you're able to keep your cool, you're able to stay tuned in to what your conversation partner is saying. Stay engaged, focusing on the words they say, how they say them, their body language, etc.
Empathetic Openings - when you're given space to respond, be thoughtful about what you're saying. Even if you don't agree, you're providing them the space to be understood.
Be Curious - with your mind focused on your conversation partner instead of in your head, you will hear more. When you hear something you don't quite understand or they've said something you want to dig in on, repeat back the key 3-5 words that caught your attention. Get them to expound.
These are a few of the key skills we help clients with in our Conflict-as-a-Service engagements. If you benefit from these or your team could use some conflict skillsbuilding, please reach out and see if we're a good fit.
A quick-reference guide to keep your cool when conversations heat up.